Version 2: Day 4

Greetings from the other side of the world. We relocated at the beginning of the year, and here we are, in October again, 4 days into a Sober October type thing (except we had drinks on the 1st and the 2nd). 

But, no matter, it's now Day 4 and I'm feeling good for it.

Now we're back in clutches of our homeland, MONEY is a big incentive for cutting wine out of our lives. It's so expensive - a round of drinks for two is eye-wateringly expensive, and even the cheap supermarket wine isn't so cheap (especially not when you buy it by the caseload). We're looking to buy a house, so suddenly the wastefulness of wine money has been brought to the foreground. We could pay our bills with that money. We could get double glazing. We could buy a coffee table. 

The hot chocolate is back in force, as are the impromptu cheese board nights. That and Stranger Things, which I can actually follow now that I'm not half-cut.

Onwards!

Breaking my streak: Beers on Saturday

On Saturday evening I had a few beers at dinner.

We went out with the family to meet our Christmas holidaying friends. I discussed with hubby earlier whether or not to drink, and he said he supported either way, and could see both sides of the decision.

You can either say, yes, you've done over a month, you've broken a bad habit and done really well, so enjoy yourself, or say, well, you've come this far so why not continue?

So I decided to have a few (think ended up drinking 4 x 330ml cans of lager). Dinner was finished and wrapped up by 8.45pm, and then when we got home I put the kids to bed then went to bed myself.

I had a very bad sleep. What started out as a nice heavy, limp body, and me thinking to myself, how come I can never feel this relaxed when I don't drink? ended up me being awake for hours, restless, thirsty, needing the loo, and repeat. Honestly, the evening was great, but I really didn't enjoy that side of it.

I guess it was a reasonably moderate night - I could've (and would've in the past) suggested one more when everyone started wrapping up, but honestly it didn't even cross my mind. I also, for sure, would normally have stayed up drinking with my husband when the kids went to sleep, but instead I just went to bed, as did he.

But it does feel pretty disheartening starting at Day 1 again (or Day 2 today) after a 34 day long streak.

Also, I found that the next day, Sunday, the switch was well and truly on, so I was thinking, Hmm, shall we go somewhere for boozy brunch, or afternoon beers by the lake, or sundowners, or shall we pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from dinner?

We didn't. I didn't suggest any of those things in the end, but the floodgates felt at the very least ajar, if not yet wide open. Sober streak gone, there was, frankly, nothing to lose.

I think it's made me decide that I probably will take a couple of days off for hols and xmas day, but also, that I want to make a mindful, controlled decision, rather than just fall into habit. Is that my wine witch back? Nice and alert after her watering.

What makes it worse is that the house is all beautifully decorated for Christmas - I'd like nothing more than to sit with a bottle (or three) of red wine, watching The Family Stone and other Christmas crap, and smelling my lovely Christmassy candles and enjoying my lovely Christmassy lights. Ah well, let's see what happens.

1 month + 1

 Feeling like I'm wavering quite a lot today. Would really like to try moderating. I came this close to messaging my husband and asking if he felt like going down to the waterfront and having a glass of wine after work. 

Though I say glass, but mean bottle.

And let's face it, probably mean two...

Then I heard my kids playing outside the office and thought maybe let's leave it a few more days. Reassess at the weekend. I'm not liking myself at the moment because I'm turning this into a big deal where I'm feeling guilty before I even have a drink. 

What am I trying to prove? What am I trying to do?

Day 31: 1 month!

A whole month. Even in Dry January and Sober October I've usually shaved a day off at the beginning or end (or both). 

So yay, well done to me. 

But honestly, I still think I'd quite like to celebrate with a bottle of red wine. 

I've started reading The Sober Diaries again, as a sort of motivation to continue. And am trying not to let my mind trick me into saying, Ok, dry month done. Back to it.

Let's see how it goes.

Day 30: The wine witch vs the anti-wine witch

I keep having dreams about drinking or smoking - just general bad-for-you behaviour. Really strange. In some of them I get completely wasted and wake up with shame and misery. In others, like last night, I only have two glasses of wine and then in the morning I just feel flat and think, well, why did I even bother?

So, it makes zero sense that I was just sitting idling at my office desk, thinking maybe today is a day for getting a beer at a bar with my husband, or buying a nice bottle of red on my way home. Then I thought of the dream and how rubbish I felt until I woke up and realised it wasn't true.

But then I feel annoyed that I've not only got a wine witch, but an anti-wine witch, too. And I don't know which one of them is the real, rational me. Really, I can't just moderate and enjoy a drink with my husband? I've proved myself, haven't I? 30 days and counting. 

But THEN I remember Clare Pooley and Cath Gray, among others, saying:

Why do you keep doing the hard part over and over again?!

The first month is supposed to be the hardest - the good stuff comes later. I've heard that anyone sober curious should stick it out for 3 months before they make a decision. But with the Christmas period coming up, I'm not sure I want those three months to be now.

Day 29

 Another good weekend under the old belt, and a fresh start to the week. Nothing really to report.

I'm still thinking that I may take a couple of breaks over the hols, but am feeling so positive and smug healthwise that maybe I won't when it comes down to it.

Everytime another weekend goes by, or a night out, or a meet-up event, and I have soda or AF beer instead of booze, it adds another weight to the scale of successful sobering. I'm not hiding, I'm not head down, trying to just get through it, I'm doing it and it's not even too hard.

I still haven't shaken off the glamour, or I wouldn't even be considering having wine / beers for our upcoming holiday, Christmas day, anniversary, etc, etc. But I'm in a way better headspace than I thought I'd be, four weeks into this challenge.

Weekend again: Day 27 and 28

Made it through 4 weeks. Yay me. It hasn't felt anywhere near as hard as Dry January, Sober October, etc. Which is weird because on those months I have a clear end date, and I have my husband abstaining as well.

This time, hubby is rarely drinking (and not at home), but has had drinks a few times when we're out. I find I don't mind that at all - nor find it a trigger.

This Saturday we went to a BBQ with our old pre-married-with-kids housemates. It was a perfect daytime drinking event, and I even said as we were driving over that I would decide when I got there whether to drink or not. We stopped at a convenience store for drinks along the way and I saw the Heineken Zeros in the fridge so bought four of those instead of opting for Sapporos. 

I had a good time. I chatted with loads of people I haven't seen in a while; I was happy to keep an eye on the kids by the pool, rather than feel annoyed I was being pulled away from the party; and even though every other adult was drinking, no one was drunk drunk, so it was still easy to chat and keep up with the party vibe.

I also got complimented a couple of times on how I'm looking, so maybe dropping the 1000 calories a night of wine is finally starting to take effect - although I do have far more hot chocolate than is reasonable.

Anyway, not being hungover meant that Sunday was super fun. We swam in the morning, went for sushi for lunch, and then wandered round the mall with the kids. We stopped at a chocolate stand for ice-cream and hot chocolate (doh!), and then went to the supermarket together as a foursome. In the evening I started organising advent calendar crafts that have been weighing on my mind all week. Christmas is a comin'!

Day 26: feel like a break

Nearly a month. It feels like time for a break. I really do like the idea of a decisive break rather than a slip. But am I just groping around for a way to dress up what is basically me saying urgh, pass the wine?

The wine witch says what would be so bad about a night off? You've earned it. And part of me agrees. Not everyone needs to give up forever. I can try moderation.

But I'm not doing this booze break to earn myself another drink. I'm trying to break a cycle. And doesn't the fact that it's now Friday and I'm trying to wiggle out of this contract to allow myself a drink (or 5) mean that I haven't yet broken that cycle?

Thursday thoughts Day 25: Unpacking the past.

I feel like this week I'm doing a bit of work on myself. Going back and opening up some old feelings that perhaps I didn't deal with too well at the time. I've started tapping into memories by playing the music I was listening to at the time.

To walk between the lines would make my life so boring, I want to know that I have been to the extreme.

Avril Lavigne's Let Go album - aged 15-17. 

These tiresome paper dreams

The Kooks - Naive, She Moves In Her Own Way - the year before I went to university

Richie Spice The World is a Cycle, Nick Cave Let it Be, The Beatles Because, John Mayer Waiting on the World to Change, Neil Young Heart of Gold, Alicia Keys Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart, Cat Stevens Wild World, Adele Someone Like You. Sad sad music that I used to listen to on my pink ipod 'mini' (a brick that was thicker than two iPhones) before I upgraded to the fancier version.

Just the first opening chords of U2 - Stuck in a Moment take me back to crossing the border between England and Scotland: as the train crossed the invisible boundary I'd slip from one set of dramas to another, at once comforted by the floating away of the south, and pitched into new angsty turmoil as the train rattled through The Borders.

But the nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing.

I'm finding that playing these songs, the lyrics falling from my lips as if I only last listened to them yesterday, is helping push me back into those past places and feelings and explore what happened. Sober.

The last time, the worst time, my heart was broken so I just ran and ran and ran and ran. I ran to the other side of the world and lost myself in being loud and staying up all night so I didn't have to go home and be alone with my thoughts. 

I spent nearly two years in my early twenties just spinning. Spinning round and round and round with a lot of just ok people and a couple of brilliant stars who I still hold close to me. Then I met my husband and I didn't spin anymore. He kept me grounded, but I still wasn't still and we had a fair few years of hedonism together. Now we've reached our quiet times, especially these recent years with the kids. But I haven't used that time to reflect and unpack my old self to see if I even know who I am now. 

How far removed am I from that girl on the train who was so confused and so sad? How different is she from the teenage girl who listened to Avril Lavigne and Pink in the park?

I've spoken about Clare Pooley's book, the breakthrough when she finds a school photo of herself and asks - what would that girl want? Now through this old, memory-filled (sometimes god-awful) music I feel like I can feel that younger self. And I can rebalance myself on the pathway she wanted to take, or should've taken.

I don't regret my life. How can I? My wonderful husband, my beautiful children, a really blessed decade of  - let's face it - a fair old bit of decadence. But I am finding a raw exhilaration in peeling back the layers that I've built around myself for the past 15 years. 

You know that satisfaction when you cry and it feels awful but actually really cathartic? When you allow yourself to wallow in melodrama and self pity (perhaps even checking yourself out in the mirror look how sad I am!)? That's kind of how this feels now. Like a good pain as I shift through a lot of shit I pushed away rather than dealing with.

We used to joke that everyone who lives out here, away from their home country, is running away from something. I basically ran away from it all and now, more than a decade later, I'm finally facing it all. Maybe that's why I finally feel ready to go home.

Who am I?

It's just a moment, this time will pass.

Day 24

I'm still feeling good, but find myself thinking about special occasions coming up and whether to have a 'mindful drinking day' (pass the sick bucket), or keep going on this road. Torn between both. 

I'm conscious that we've basically decided to leave the country and go home, so this will be the last hurrah. So why not have fun rather than hold back for the upcoming festive period? But then when am I ever going to stop thinking of booze as the only way to have fun unless I try now?

Day 22 and 23: Beginning of another week - you never regret not drinking when it comes to the end of the night

Still here, still fine.

I didn't sleep well last night - kept waking with heart racing. It almost felt like I'd had too much caffeine, even though I hadn't had anything. Think that's going to be worse tonight as I've just necked two diet cokes over dinner.

I went to a local craft beer place with a couple of girlfriends. Felt very self-conscious asking for my soft drink instead of my usual beer, but no one commented. 

I was pleasantly surprised to feel a lot more relaxed than I did a couple of weeks back. I found myself being chatty and laughing til my stomach hurt, much like I'd expect on a 'normal' night. Perhaps because it was only two friends - am I reverting back to my pre-drinking introverted self? That's what Catherine Gray says about herself in her book, and I feel myself identifying with that so much. The loud party me only worked with a drink in my hand. 

We left the bar at a very respectable 8.30pm, and I walked back through the quiet back streets, past the first Christmas lights already up on some of the houses. It's a warm evening with a little breeze stopping it from becoming unbearable. It's only Tuesday night so the streets were mostly empty and it felt so lovely to be out there on my own in the dark. I had a real bounce in my step as I crossed the stream near my house, knowing that I am completely sober (and very hydrated with two sodas and two diet cokes in two and a half hours).

Someone on the Club Soda Facebook group said, you never regret not drinking when it comes to the end of the night (or the next morning). Totally true. 

Day 20 and 21: Another weekend bites the dust

Today my daughter woke me up at 6am. I wasn't dozing, I was full-on fast asleep and was ripped from my slumber to wide-awakeness in about 2 milliseconds. And guess what? It was fine. I felt a bit groggy and disorientated. But I was able to get up, smile, cuddle her. Mornings without hangovers are pretty special things.

So, what did I do this weekend?

1. Went for park walks each morning with the kids and dog.

2. Swam and sunbathed with a book by the pool.

3. Went for breakfast with old friends and new. There were babies, sunshine, lattes and sodas. Normally there would be beers, but it was fine.

4. Took two family bike rides - one in the burning sun, one in the rain.

5. Went grocery shopping at the fancy deli with my daughter. Bought our chocolate advent calendars even though it's mid-November.

6. Went for a run. Yes, you heard right. Got myself back into running and did a not-too shabby 6km loop. I was slow, but hey, I'm baaaaack!

7. Shopped at the craft store and got a few different shades of wool to make pompoms and teeny tiny bobble hats. We made a few prototypes, ready for Christmas season to properly commence on December 1st.

8. Finally took down the Halloween decorations and put them in storage rather than just dumping them in the kids room.

9. Took myself for a pedicure and foot massage.

10. Got my embroidery basket out and embroidered a very respectable fir tree (though I ran out of the dark green thread halfway down the tree).

Day 19: Enjoying the occasion for the occasion

I met a colleague-friend for lunch today, down by the lake where I had brunch last weekend. Once again I was perfectly content sitting and just chatting with a soda. No itching for a cool beer, no fidgety fingers. We stayed there for around an hour and it was perfectly lovely.

I discussed with him how I'd been for brunch there at the weekend and felt fine not drinking beer, despite that it one of my favourite boozy places. I then told him about struggling on the evening I went out with friends for the birthday drinks the week before.

It's obvious, he said. You feel more comfortable here, it's a beautiful setting. You want to be here because you enjoy it, not because of the booze. That's why it's got such good connotations for you. You didn't want to be at the other bar.

So simple and so true. I assumed my rose-tinted glasses perspective on boozy, sunny, Sunday brunches was all hinged on the booze. It turns out it wasn't. I thought 'great girls' nights out' were all hinged on the chat. Turns out, they aren't always.

This sounds like an epiphany, my turning moment. It's not. In fact as I wrote this I also sent my husband a 'jokey' text, floating the idea of me dropping my whole winefast nonsense and sharing a bottle of red this eve. So tempting. 

But it would be two bottles. And then I'd feel shit in the morning. And to be honest, my stomach has a knotted feeling just thinking about it.

Perhaps not.

Day 18: Feeling a bit flat

I'm feeling so tired and sluggish. Still not craving or regretting, but just feeling flat. I can't be bothered to cook, still have the Halloween decorations outside the front door, still haven't started running again, and have been trying to go to bed before 8pm every night. 

I bought some Heineken zeros for us to share on the balcony, but almost don't have the energy to go and sit out there. So I'm just sitting reading a self-help book on the sofa. Cool.

I'm worried I'm just becoming a recluse. I want to find a way to still be able to chat and stay up without beers / wine, but right now, bed just seems more tempting.

Day 17: Christmas triggers in November

I've been making lists, starting to plan festive activities for December. Feeling quite triggered, imagining our group holiday in December and then Christmas Day itself with no festive drinks. Haven't even thought about New Year's Eve.

I'm feeling that sneaking feeling of well, by then I'll have done x number of days AF and proved my point, so why not indulge on holiday / xmas day? One last shindig?

Part of me is thinking, yes, why not? It will have been a big achievement and nothing can take away from that. And it's likely to be our last Christmas here before we move so why not celebrate?

The other part of me thinks - yeah, but a good, festive drinking day for me isn't so much fun for the kids. Maybe if I don't drink I'll be more in tune with what they want to do? Maybe. 

Similarly, why does celebration have to equal booze? What if I find a really lovely AF mulled wine recipe and can spend my day supping on that? (or - cheeky wine witch coming up for air here - I could limit myself to mulled wine only and try boil the hell out of it to get the alcohol off?)

I sorta don't want to make decisions either way cos I don't want to disappoint myself by breaking promises. But that thought is quite a sobering one. What will make Christmas better for my children? I don't think wine would be on anyone's lists. It may not make the day worse, but certainly won't add anything for them.

Day 15 and 16

 Absolutely nothing to report. Except that I may be gaining a hot chocolate addiction

Day 13 and 14: Brunch without booze

Another weekend done and dusted.

It was reasonably easy this weekend, though I went to bed insanely early on Saturday night - 8.30pm.

Sunday morning I met husband and friends after their long morning bike ride for lunch. This usually means ordering Sapporos, and for the others, it still did. I did feel an urge to join in, but managed ok with sodas and was even happy to stay for two or three more past the initial call for 'one last round'. 

It seemed a lot easier than the other night's birthday drinks - not quite sure why. This kind of day drinking, in the glorious sunshine, with the whole Sunday ahead of me, is usually my favourite. So why was I able to weather this event better than the drinks earlier in the week?

Even my husband drinking didn't trigger me to join in. He asked if I minded (and I truly didn't), but I was surprised at how little I was affected. Yes, I felt the initial ooh, a nice cold beer would hit the spot much better than this soda, but it wasn't as strong a pull as I thought it'd be.

Day 12: Friday again

I was on a live conference panel this morning, so the urge to celebrate it being over (I hate public speaking) with a drink reared its head, but was gone quite quickly. Part of me wants to go get some Heineken 0.0s to be our balcony beers this evening. But the other part of me can't be bothered, and wants to make a giant hot chocolate with the canned whipped cream I bought yesterday on top.

My husband raised / pointed out that we've not really replaced our drinks on the sofa time yet. We've done yoga one night, we've been night swimming a couple of nights, but we've not really got a regular replacement. I kind of know what he means, but also think that those other things (yoga, swimming, reading etc) are the replacements. 

Still it is noticeable that we're not lounging together until midnight with wine and music videos or crap TV that we can talk over. Even though those nights could be independently regarded as a complete waste of time, it was bonding time for us, and often had a lot of laughter and closeness. Some or even most of our decision-making has started from those sofa chats: holidays, kids, moving plans, jobs.

I'd like to recreate an environment where he and I talk and listen to music together, but maybe that'll come soon. 

Trying to look at positives, I definitely think it's a huge plus that we've barely had the TV on this week. We had it on for Succession on Monday and that's been it. Weekends are usually a bit more TV heavy, but we got into a good habit a while ago of taking it in turns to choose films after the kids have gone to bed.

Looking forward to another productive weekend, where I don't start it on the back foot with two bottles of wine and terrible sleep.

Day 11

Last night was birthday drinks with some of my girlfriends. This is one of the first times we've been out since the bars reopened post lockdown.

Friends are being surprisingly and heartwarmingly understanding. Don't get me wrong, I think they would welcome me back off the wagon with open arms, but they weren't pushing me to 'just have one'. 

Despite that, I felt quite self-conscious being the only one not drinking and found it hard to relax into the night. I felt quiet and tongue-tied and kept trying to push myself to speak, but wasn't quite feeling it. I was glad to be out with them and love their company, but felt like I was on the fringes. 

No one was drunk at all, they probably had three or four beers while I was there, and my fellow mum friend was alternating beers with soda (wise woman - I've always envied her ability to moderate). But three hours in, I was ready to call it a night and that's where the difference really stood out. I would usually be the one calling in a cheeky last one, staying with the birthday girl til the end.

I stood up to pay the bill (£3 total) and order an Uber, and birthday girl thanked me for coming despite being off the booze. You must rather be at home on the sofa watching Succession, so thank you so much for coming out.

I felt both incredibly lucky that my friend knows me (and my Kieran Culkin obsession), respects my decision and is grateful to me for making the effort, but also a bit sad that she'd think I would prefer to watch TV rather than see her, if there's no wine on the table. I don't want friends to think I'm having a bad time just because I don't have a drink. 

In fact, this is why I'm trying to stop. So that I can get myself to a place where I don't feel bereft if I'm out without a drink.

Day 10

I have a feeling that a lot of my posts are going to start with: 

'Feel fine.'

'Normal day.'

'Nothing to report'

Truth is, it does feel a bit like that at the moment. Day-to-day is fine. But it's only 10 days in and right now I wonder if my body (and my mind) know that I'm planning for this to be a permanent move. I'm still not sure I am fully on that page. I know that's what I think I want. But I'm still hung up on the special boozy times I don't want to lose forever, mainly red wine moments with my husband where we play old tunes on YouTube and laugh and talk (and drink). 

I really don't think I care too much if I don't drink with my friends again. Whenever I think 'Oh, it'll be nice if come December I can drink on the beach holiday we're going on with friends', I picture being at the pool in the beach villa, sunglasses on, beer in hand, smile on face... and my kids kind of being sidelined while I have a good time. Cos the truth is, no matter how good wine tastes (and it does), and how much I love drinking with my friends and husband (because I do), I know I am a better mother without it, and it brings nothing (good) to my children.

So why not, I tell myself, make a deal where I'll only drink once they're in bed (pretty much what my husband and I do currently)? Well... because I have no self control and it'll eventually spill into mid afternoon beers or lunchtime beers and suddenly there I'll be, in the same situation I'm trying to escape.

Why not, I tell myself again, have a few splurges every now and again and the rest of the year be the amazing earth mother you want to be? Well, quite. Ain't that just the dream?

Something else I read yesterday. Moderating is bloody exhausting. Constantly having to regulate, deny, limit. If I say no now, and follow Holly Whitaker's advice and Never question the decision, then the hard work is done. 

I'm still on the fence. But I think that's the old wine witch. I think without her, I know where I stand.

In other news:

Tonight I have a birthday drinks thing with some friends. I am perfectly happy to go - I wish they had AF beers there, cos it just doesn't feel the same with a soda, but maybe I'll scan the cocktail menu and get myself virgin Bloody Marys or something.