Day 10

I have a feeling that a lot of my posts are going to start with: 

'Feel fine.'

'Normal day.'

'Nothing to report'

Truth is, it does feel a bit like that at the moment. Day-to-day is fine. But it's only 10 days in and right now I wonder if my body (and my mind) know that I'm planning for this to be a permanent move. I'm still not sure I am fully on that page. I know that's what I think I want. But I'm still hung up on the special boozy times I don't want to lose forever, mainly red wine moments with my husband where we play old tunes on YouTube and laugh and talk (and drink). 

I really don't think I care too much if I don't drink with my friends again. Whenever I think 'Oh, it'll be nice if come December I can drink on the beach holiday we're going on with friends', I picture being at the pool in the beach villa, sunglasses on, beer in hand, smile on face... and my kids kind of being sidelined while I have a good time. Cos the truth is, no matter how good wine tastes (and it does), and how much I love drinking with my friends and husband (because I do), I know I am a better mother without it, and it brings nothing (good) to my children.

So why not, I tell myself, make a deal where I'll only drink once they're in bed (pretty much what my husband and I do currently)? Well... because I have no self control and it'll eventually spill into mid afternoon beers or lunchtime beers and suddenly there I'll be, in the same situation I'm trying to escape.

Why not, I tell myself again, have a few splurges every now and again and the rest of the year be the amazing earth mother you want to be? Well, quite. Ain't that just the dream?

Something else I read yesterday. Moderating is bloody exhausting. Constantly having to regulate, deny, limit. If I say no now, and follow Holly Whitaker's advice and Never question the decision, then the hard work is done. 

I'm still on the fence. But I think that's the old wine witch. I think without her, I know where I stand.

In other news:

Tonight I have a birthday drinks thing with some friends. I am perfectly happy to go - I wish they had AF beers there, cos it just doesn't feel the same with a soda, but maybe I'll scan the cocktail menu and get myself virgin Bloody Marys or something.