Delving into The Steps with Russell Brand

In Russell Brand's book Freedom from our addictions he asks readers to look at the 12 steps and note down their own feelings toward them. 

I really felt drawn to this inclusion because it acknowledges the uncertainty I feel towards 12 step programs, particularly AA, and particularly after reading more about the patriarchal history of these programs in books such as Holly Whitaker's Quit Like a Woman.

I really like Russell Brand, and have read great think pieces about his own sobriety in news articles over the years. It's also quite inspiring to think of someone as wild and playful and - let's face it, cool, being completely sober. It makes the whole thing seem pretty fun and enlightening.

So when I saw his book was on the Kindle Store for 99p, it seemed like time to dip in. I knew the book followed his interpretation of the steps, which I'm not too keen on delving into for various reasons, but I was curious to see whether he could present it in a way that I could identify with. 

The first thing that sticks out is exactly what Holly speaks about in QLAW. I texted my friend: This is the first book [on sobriety] I've read by a man instead of a woman and the difference is staggering. "Self-centred egotistical thinking is the defining attribute of the addictive condition"

Holly's book discusses how male-centred recovery programs talk about breaking the ego down, whereas as a woman, we (mostly) have addictions because we're already broken down. Recovery for me is about building myself back up.

Anyway, so seeing that familiar trope of ego being the reason for addiction really touched a nerve. 

But then, a couple of pages over, Russell invites the readers to respond to the steps. And that for me is a defining moment. I haven't read the rest of his book, I don't know if it'll resonate more or less than the others I've read. But I respect the decision to allow the journey to be the readers by inviting their own feelings into what seems to otherwise be a pretty rigid system.

So, here are the steps and my initial thoughts: I fully expect to come back to these points after I finish the book.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Don't love this step. I'm not sure how inspiring a lifetime of feeling like I'm powerless is. I agree to admitting to that alcohol isn't helping me be my best person, and I'll be (much) better off without, but I think that is gaining power, not admitting defeat.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Tricky. I'm not religious and haven't given much time to spirituality. I could get behind the idea of something else in my life being more powerful or better than my current situation.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Same as above.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Agree - though terrifying to consider and may take years to unpack.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Yes... to 2 and 3.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Hmmm...no. But I'm looking to see how Russell Brand unpacks this one in a non-Christiany way.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Very hard to answer right now - I hope to come back to these higher power related steps.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Yes, also a scary thought

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Ditto - though I do believe a lot of this would be water under the bridge and it's probably as important to apologise to myself for wasting so much of my own time.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I really like this idea - mindfulness, slowing down, checking in with ourselves. My husband often speaks about how in every religion there is a goal of mastering yourself, knowing yourself inside out and controlling impulses. This doesn't have to be and isn't a bad thing. It's about living and acting with purpose, rather than just doing whatever the hell you want, whenever you want.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

If I change the word God for myself or my place within the world and my connection to nature and those around me (wow, that sounds pretty whoo), then yes, fully onboard.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Yes, not in a cult-y way, but yes, would I want to share ways that I've found have helped me live a better life? Sure.

Sorry for being gone so long

Bless me bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been a month since my last confession.

I broke my streak and then immediately nestled myself into nice, regular holiday drinking. Lovely beers, not so much wine this time (until the week before Christmas when hubby and I settled into our nightly two bottle routine over endless Christmas movies).

The things that kept me on my pathway before - the books, the blogging/journalling, the running, all fell by the wayside, making it easier to 'enjoy' the holidays (and boozy nights) without interruption. Which I have been doing. It hasn't been awful, or even slightly bad... 

...But have I woken up a few times thinking Oh Christ - why was I talking about that last night? Or Did I....sing???? Why yes, yes I have.

There was one night on holiday where I startled myself awake at about 3am. I was thirsty so drank some water and checked out my phone while I was there. There was a video of my roommates all jumping into the villa pool at about midnight. I had absolutely no recollection of us doing it and immediately felt that familiar wave of dread rush over me. Was I so drunk that I blacked out an entire pool event? What else had I done?

In the morning I did the classic sidling up to people and oh so casually mentioning the fun-ness of the night before, digging for facts. I was promptly reminded that I'd left the restaurant early and gone to bed at 9, had had nothing to do with the pool shenanigans and my non-existent memory was actually due to me falling asleep in front of the Grinch in my room with the children. The relief that I hadn't 'forgotten' what happened, because I hadn't even been there, was incredible.

I could have that feeling alllll the time! The nice cosy feeling of ahhhhh... I was home and dry in ma bed. 

I've dug Holly's book out of the old Kindle dust pile again, and am starting my rereads. I'm not at Day 1 yet (though actually just realised I'm finished Day 2), but hey...every bit of practice at living a freer life is good.

Breaking my streak: Beers on Saturday

On Saturday evening I had a few beers at dinner.

We went out with the family to meet our Christmas holidaying friends. I discussed with hubby earlier whether or not to drink, and he said he supported either way, and could see both sides of the decision.

You can either say, yes, you've done over a month, you've broken a bad habit and done really well, so enjoy yourself, or say, well, you've come this far so why not continue?

So I decided to have a few (think ended up drinking 4 x 330ml cans of lager). Dinner was finished and wrapped up by 8.45pm, and then when we got home I put the kids to bed then went to bed myself.

I had a very bad sleep. What started out as a nice heavy, limp body, and me thinking to myself, how come I can never feel this relaxed when I don't drink? ended up me being awake for hours, restless, thirsty, needing the loo, and repeat. Honestly, the evening was great, but I really didn't enjoy that side of it.

I guess it was a reasonably moderate night - I could've (and would've in the past) suggested one more when everyone started wrapping up, but honestly it didn't even cross my mind. I also, for sure, would normally have stayed up drinking with my husband when the kids went to sleep, but instead I just went to bed, as did he.

But it does feel pretty disheartening starting at Day 1 again (or Day 2 today) after a 34 day long streak.

Also, I found that the next day, Sunday, the switch was well and truly on, so I was thinking, Hmm, shall we go somewhere for boozy brunch, or afternoon beers by the lake, or sundowners, or shall we pick up a bottle of wine on the way home from dinner?

We didn't. I didn't suggest any of those things in the end, but the floodgates felt at the very least ajar, if not yet wide open. Sober streak gone, there was, frankly, nothing to lose.

I think it's made me decide that I probably will take a couple of days off for hols and xmas day, but also, that I want to make a mindful, controlled decision, rather than just fall into habit. Is that my wine witch back? Nice and alert after her watering.

What makes it worse is that the house is all beautifully decorated for Christmas - I'd like nothing more than to sit with a bottle (or three) of red wine, watching The Family Stone and other Christmas crap, and smelling my lovely Christmassy candles and enjoying my lovely Christmassy lights. Ah well, let's see what happens.

1 month + 1

 Feeling like I'm wavering quite a lot today. Would really like to try moderating. I came this close to messaging my husband and asking if he felt like going down to the waterfront and having a glass of wine after work. 

Though I say glass, but mean bottle.

And let's face it, probably mean two...

Then I heard my kids playing outside the office and thought maybe let's leave it a few more days. Reassess at the weekend. I'm not liking myself at the moment because I'm turning this into a big deal where I'm feeling guilty before I even have a drink. 

What am I trying to prove? What am I trying to do?

Day 31: 1 month!

A whole month. Even in Dry January and Sober October I've usually shaved a day off at the beginning or end (or both). 

So yay, well done to me. 

But honestly, I still think I'd quite like to celebrate with a bottle of red wine. 

I've started reading The Sober Diaries again, as a sort of motivation to continue. And am trying not to let my mind trick me into saying, Ok, dry month done. Back to it.

Let's see how it goes.

Day 30: The wine witch vs the anti-wine witch

I keep having dreams about drinking or smoking - just general bad-for-you behaviour. Really strange. In some of them I get completely wasted and wake up with shame and misery. In others, like last night, I only have two glasses of wine and then in the morning I just feel flat and think, well, why did I even bother?

So, it makes zero sense that I was just sitting idling at my office desk, thinking maybe today is a day for getting a beer at a bar with my husband, or buying a nice bottle of red on my way home. Then I thought of the dream and how rubbish I felt until I woke up and realised it wasn't true.

But then I feel annoyed that I've not only got a wine witch, but an anti-wine witch, too. And I don't know which one of them is the real, rational me. Really, I can't just moderate and enjoy a drink with my husband? I've proved myself, haven't I? 30 days and counting. 

But THEN I remember Clare Pooley and Cath Gray, among others, saying:

Why do you keep doing the hard part over and over again?!

The first month is supposed to be the hardest - the good stuff comes later. I've heard that anyone sober curious should stick it out for 3 months before they make a decision. But with the Christmas period coming up, I'm not sure I want those three months to be now.

Day 29

 Another good weekend under the old belt, and a fresh start to the week. Nothing really to report.

I'm still thinking that I may take a couple of breaks over the hols, but am feeling so positive and smug healthwise that maybe I won't when it comes down to it.

Everytime another weekend goes by, or a night out, or a meet-up event, and I have soda or AF beer instead of booze, it adds another weight to the scale of successful sobering. I'm not hiding, I'm not head down, trying to just get through it, I'm doing it and it's not even too hard.

I still haven't shaken off the glamour, or I wouldn't even be considering having wine / beers for our upcoming holiday, Christmas day, anniversary, etc, etc. But I'm in a way better headspace than I thought I'd be, four weeks into this challenge.