“I drink Champagne when I’m happy and when I’m sad. Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it―unless I’m thirsty.”
― Lily Bollinger, (1899-1977), Bollinger Champagne
Honestly, this isn’t too far off. If I had one sad reason why I drank, I could try to tackle that, but I don’t have a reason. Just like I don’t have a reason why I bite my nails. Sometimes a friend or my husband will see me chewing away and ask, Are you nervous? No, I *just* have a nail biting addiction (which apparently is a form of OCD but I don’t even want to go there). My kids bite their nails too (sorry shitty genes). And I notice it’s done completely absent-mindedly, yet driven by compulsion. They can’t stop when I say stop. It’s an itch they need to scratch.
Drinking is the same. Here are some reasons we (and professionals) say we drink:
It tastes good
To deal with boredom
To deal with stress
To relax or unwind
To gear up for a big night
To socialise
To do something with their hands
!!! BECAUSE WE ARE DEPENDENT ON IT, whether physically (quite likely), or, just as dangerously, through automated routines and habits.
The spectrum of dependency is discussed a fair bit in The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober and The Sober Diaries. And a spectrum it is. Some people can genuinely take it or leave it. Some drink infrequently, but when they do they’ll have three to five, rather than one or two. Some drink often but little, some drink rarely but binge when they do. And some drink regularly and too much. I’ve been a bit of all of these at various points in my life. At the stage I am now, I have this general sense of unease that I don't think I'd have if my relationship with booze was 'healthy'.
I think I read about this in the Power of Habit, but it’s also mentioned in practically every habit kicking book ever written: the effort it takes to deny yourself something you want and are in the habit of having, is higher because your brain has to keep repeating:
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
This isn’t helped by the fact that alcohol is everywhere so you really are saying no more often than you would to say, MDMA. The thinking is that after a while, when you break the habit (physical and routine), you’re not having to actively resist and say no as much. It’s not so exhausting and confrontational.
When I was pregnant, I didn’t crave alcohol physically, or the routine and ceremony that comes with drinking. I didn’t feel like I was depriving myself of an experience when I sat on the sofa with popcorn instead of wine. It wasn’t in my frame of reference, therefore I didn’t miss it, therefore I didn’t feel like I was resisting or avoiding anything. That’s what I hope and imagine will happen if I give myself time to get over the initial hurdles of breaking down my routines and habits around casual drinking.
Case in point. I watch Succession (great show). For two seasons I was so used to the time reaching 7.30 on a Monday night and then PING - kiss kids goodnight, bedroom door shut, back to the lounge, TV on, press pause, get two glasses, open wine, aaaand play.
We’re now two episodes into the third season and for both episodes we decided not to open wine or beer. And by the second episode (after only one time of breaking the routine of boozy Succession viewing), it felt fine. And I could follow the whole (increasingly complicated) plot without having to keep pausing and saying, ‘Why did he say that?’. Could it really be as easy as that to change my routine of wine in the evening?
During Dry January this year my neighbour recommended Holly Whitaker’s Quit Like A Woman. This was the first time I’d really taken a critical look at the message that society feeds us about drinking culture. Through Holly’s book and Clare’s and Catherine’s I felt inspired into stopping drinking, rather than shamed (hat tip to Clare Pooley’s TED Talk for that brilliant line).
Doing something so bloody detrimental for my health, on automatic mode, just because it’s in my routine seems pretty unenlightened. I like to think I’m better than that, and that’s why I want to stop. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of making good decisions for myself and that I am present enough to choose my actions and redirect bad habits. Clare Pooley (do you realise yet how much of a fangirl I am?) said something that’s stuck with me. She looked at a childhood photo of herself and thought, would I want this for her? Would I be happy knowing she was going to clutch a glass of wine or beer at every social event? Or is that girl happy enough without the drinking prop?
Breaking a habit is difficult but it’s not impossible. Changing the routines that I have that lead to automatically pouring a glass of wine can only improve my health and life. And that’s why I want to kickstart that change with a period of sobriety. If I like what I find on that path, then I’ll see no reason to turn back (here’s hoping).
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