Days 6 and 7: Sober weekend

So, first week over and now coming to the end of the first intentionally sober weekend. 7 days isn't a long time, but can feel like it when you've decided to shoot for long distance, rather than just a couple of dry days.

This weekend definitely felt active and wholesome. And it was kid-centred which made me feel really great on the #mumwins scale.

I got up super early on Saturday, as my husband was gearing up for his morning bike ride. I remembered I'd promised to dye my daughter's hair for Halloween, so we did that (and dyed the floor tiles too -eek!), took the dog for a long walk and then had breakfast. After breakfast we carved pumpkins, put our Halloween display outside the front door and then I took the two kids to get Halloween toenails painted. 

Mid morning (it was only 10am by this point!) I went shopping by myself for new clothes for myself and the kids. It was really nice having that alone time and I realised that if I'd been a few wines in the night before, I probably would've vegged on the couch and not bothered to go out. I even walked the couple of miles to the shopping mall! In the past I'd have definitely got an Uber to avoid the midday heat.

One hard test was meeting two friends for boozy brunch. I managed with a soda and a virgin mojito, but I definitely felt out of place. I found myself wishing I had something to do with my hands (turns out virgin mojitos are good for that because you can pick out the pieces of mint once you've drained your glass). I also inexplicably felt quite tongue-tied - even though I've known both these women for years and have been on holidays with them. I left after a couple of rounds and had an odd sluggish hour post brunch - almost like a placebo effect, even though I hadn't had anything to drink.

Still, managed to do some laundry (that I'd normally leave until the evening) and then had a mum and daughter friend round before trick-or-treating. We dealt with a last minute costume decision from my daughter with minimal stress, and my husband, friend and I sat on the balcony with a couple of AF beers which, to be honest, tasted exactly the same.

In the evening we took the kids trick-or-treating with a couple of friends while hubby stayed at home to man the door. Last year I had a couple of traveller beers in my bag, and we stayed in the yard afterwards with wine while the kids ran off their sugar highs. This year we trick-or-treated for an hour, said our goodbyes, and then went upstairs to count the loot and watch the Super Monsters Halloween special.

On Sunday we swam for hours, went out for lunch with the kids, went on a family bike ride, and took the kids and dog to the park. I'm still feeling tired - yet to experience the pink cloud feeling or bursts of high energy, but I'm enjoying the way things are going and having the headspace and time to plan cool activities for the family.

All the great stuff that happens when I don't drink

You know when I didn’t bite the hell out of my nails? When I was pregnant and not drinking.

You know when I decided to take a deeper look at my yoga practice and took two courses on the history of yoga and how to develop a personal practice?

When I was pregnant and not drinking.

You know when I climbed a volcano with a ten-month-old baby?

When I was pregnant and not drinking.

You know when I took my 200 hour yoga teacher training, training 18 hours every weekend and an hour every weeknight?

When I was pregnant and not drinking.

You know when I got back into reading, joined Goodreads and set myself an annual goal of new books to read?

During Sober October.

You know when I went to an embroidery class and decided to stitch a small pattern everyday to make a beautiful tapestry over one year?

During Dry January (and the project was abandoned in February).

You know when I ran my best time for a half-marathon?

During Dry January.

You know when I started my first blog?

When I was pregnant and not drinking.

You know when I started this blog?

When I wasn’t drinking

#soberlife #sober #recovery #soberAF #soberliving #soberoctober

Day 5: Asking the big questions

Evenings are very quiet this week. Apart from watching Succession on Monday night, we've not had the TV on at all in the evenings. I've mostly been curled up on the sofa reading my Kindle and doing occasional google spirals on my phone.

I reread a bit of Holly's Quit Like A Woman yesterday and then started Catherine Gray's sequel to The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober - Sunshine Warm Sober. It made me feel buoyed to keep going.

Holly says in her book, people waste time trying to determine whether they are an 'alcoholic' or 'problem drinker'? Trying to tick lists to see if they can categorise themselves, and only then taking action. Instead she suggests asking yourself two questions:

Does alcohol negatively affect my life?

Yes, not always, but do I sometimes wake regretting beers, wishing I'd gone to bed earlier or feeling that armpit prickling dread/shame of a comment I've blurted out to a friend without thinking? Absolutely.

Should I take steps to address my relationship with it?

Why not? Why not just see what happens if I take a drastic step, on my own, to question why I, and society as a whole, chooses to drink, and explore what happens if I decide to go it alone, sans booze for a while?

Yesterday my husband said something along the lines of I've been saying let's cut down for a while and now suddenly you're saying let's go big or go home. Reading between the lines, I felt that he was offended that I'd decided to take action based on reading some books, rather than his persuasion or advice. It was a good question. 

Why am I feeling more influenced by strangers in a book than my own husband? 

To that, I'd say that we all have to do things on our own terms. Feeling coerced or pressured into a decision isn't likely to yield good results. I first read Catherine, Holly and Clare's (Pooley) books at the beginning of 2021. They planted a seed. My husband and I have had conversations over the year about resenting the reliance that we (being people, not just us personally) have on drinking in practically every social situation. Those conversations have also planted seeds. Now I'm finally ready to help those seeds grow. 

This weekend is another series of tests. Potential lunch date with the girls. It's only a mile or two from my house so I'm thinking to attend and then make my excuses after a couple of lattes (while the others will be on craft beers or cocktails). Not drinking at lunch will mean I'm ready for Part 2 of Saturday: 

Halloween events

So, Trick-or-Treating in the neighbourhood, which usually includes roadies for the tagalong mums. This year I'm going to skip the block drinks afterwards, which we usually have while we let the kids run around post door-knocking to get out all that sugar energy. I'm hoping to do a swapsie with hubby - so I'll take the kids door-to-door but then he supervise the playtime. 

This is what I mean about drinking seeping into literally every social situation. Why does a kids trick-or-treating event not seem complete without a beer?

Day 4: Sober talk

I had a noticeably better sleep last night than previous few nights, so that's a huge win. I also feel hopeful today - not as down as I did yesterday evening. 

I had a conversation with the hubby in the kitchen as we were prepping lunch. He's also on the sober train at the moment, but he says he doesn't feel as final about it as me and doesn't see the harm in having a couple of beers here and there. I totally agree - for him, but said that for me, I need to push for something a bit more finite otherwise my mindset around drinking will never change.

I feel like I could easily (relatively!) say 'I won't drink til the end of November' or 'I'll drink again at Christmas', but the risk is that I'd elevate drinking even more as a grand prize to win after all this endurance. 

I don't want to stick my head down and push on with gritted teeth through this journey, I want to completely shift my mindset and how I view alcohol. I read a fantastic quote on reddit yesterday, not sure of original source but can trace it to Justine Whitchurch's book:

Sobriety delivers what alcohol promised

After my husband and I spoke and went back to our respective offices, I sent him that quote over messenger. I said to him: There was a time in our lives when we didn't need alcohol to have a good time, or to be ourselves. I'd rather search for that place again than keep going through one month or one week or two day 'cleansers' to convince myself I'm not seriously damaging my health every time I drink.

I think my husband honestly can moderate if he wants to. He's perhaps wired a little differently to me. I don't expect him to jump on board with my plan - particularly when I don't even know where I'm going or if this is it for me long term.

I just don't think drinking in moderation suits my personality - certainly not right now. I don't want to have one glass of wine and call it a night. If I did, then I wouldn't be writing a blog about trying to quit. I don't see the point in just having one glass. As soon as I have that first glass I either drink three more (or more), or have to start resisting and suppressing the urge for another. I want to get to a place where I don't need to feel that resistance anymore. Everything I've read says that by taking the decision of 'should I drink tonight?' out of the equation, everything becomes a lot simpler.

Day 3: A bit of doubt

So, Day 3. Feeling good today when I work up. And grateful to wake up without a hangover. I was still tired when I woke up, but no where near as much as normal. I had a surprise work call (always fun) just after 7am, and felt endless gratitude for feeling alert and ready to deal with it, rather than totally knackered.

I had problems sleeping again last night. Yesterday I made a kanban board (fancy organisation tool) for work, so that work related stuff didn't fill my head while I tried to sleep. That seemed to work and my mind was less cluttered. But I still was restless. I'm hopeful that'll go in the next week.

I went shopping to the fancy deli near our house to get some nice snacks for the house to keep me busy in the evenings if I need it. I got some good cheeses and then some Bitter Lemon, Ginger beer and San Pellegrino for AF bubbles.

Last night my husband said 'Aren't you going to make a hot chocolate?' because that is supposed to be my wine replacement 'thing'. But I don't want to go too far down that path. I've managed to avoid having a particularly sweet tooth for most of my adult life, and I'd like to try keep it that way. I think fizzy water or hot water and lemon will give my taste buds enough of a 'hmmm' to keep me satisfied.

When I was at the deli I stood in the (enormous) wines and spirits section, looking for AF wine. I had it in my head that I was going to trial-make mulled wine, my favourite drink in the world. Long and short of it is that I couldn't see any, and it dawned on me after five minutes or so, that staring at row upon row of red wine bottles was probably not the best way to while away the afternoon on Day 3.

Now the evening is rolling in, I'm starting to feel a little down. I don't know if I'm just being stupid and dramatic, saying I'm going to stop forever. Why not just do another sober month, to prove I can and then moderate? I guess the simple answer to that is that I never do. It always gradually slides into drinking too much again, and then I have to cut it out or keep fighting with myself to say no to another drink or another quick pint at the bar, when I really want to say yes.

Is this doubt the dreaded Wine Witch? I hope so. I find it comforting to think that this is not my voice trying to rationalise why drinking is such a great idea. I think that's why I have to treat this as a big deal rather than another dry month, because I need things to shift in my mind so I'm not idolising drinking times.

But then am I just going to be this dull person who can't have a great bottle of wine with her husband? Or can't try a new cocktail? Or can't have a giggly, silly night with her friends? (Is this Wine Witch speaking or me?)

Thing is... 

When do we ever have a great bottle of wine? (We usually have two average bottles of wine instead)

When do I ever try a new cocktail? (I tried a White Lady two years ago... I'm hardly a cocktail connoisseur)

Why can't I have a giggly, silly night with my friends without drinking? Isn't this the whole point: Everything hinges on alcohol. It's not there as an add-on, a side-dish, a bonus... It's the whole bloody meal.

 

Why I drink and why I'm stopping

“I drink Champagne when I’m happy and when I’m sad. Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it―unless I’m thirsty.”

― Lily Bollinger, (1899-1977), Bollinger Champagne

Honestly, this isn’t too far off. If I had one sad reason why I drank, I could try to tackle that, but I don’t have a reason. Just like I don’t have a reason why I bite my nails. Sometimes a friend or my husband will see me chewing away and ask, Are you nervous? No, I *just* have a nail biting addiction (which apparently is a form of OCD but I don’t even want to go there). My kids bite their nails too (sorry shitty genes). And I notice it’s done completely absent-mindedly, yet driven by compulsion. They can’t stop when I say stop. It’s an itch they need to scratch.

Drinking is the same. Here are some reasons we (and professionals) say we drink:

• It tastes good

• To deal with boredom

• To deal with stress

• To relax or unwind

• To gear up for a big night

• To socialise

• To do something with their hands

!!! BECAUSE WE ARE DEPENDENT ON IT, whether physically (quite likely), or, just as dangerously, through automated routines and habits.

The spectrum of dependency is discussed a fair bit in The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober and The Sober Diaries. And a spectrum it is. Some people can genuinely take it or leave it. Some drink infrequently, but when they do they’ll have three to five, rather than one or two. Some drink often but little, some drink rarely but binge when they do. And some drink regularly and too much. I’ve been a bit of all of these at various points in my life. At the stage I am now, I have this general sense of unease that I don't think I'd have if my relationship with booze was 'healthy'.

I think I read about this in the Power of Habit, but it’s also mentioned in practically every habit kicking book ever written: the effort it takes to deny yourself something you want and are in the habit of having, is higher because your brain has to keep repeating: 

“No.”

“No.”

“No.”

“No.”

This isn’t helped by the fact that alcohol is everywhere so you really are saying no more often than you would to say, MDMA. The thinking is that after a while, when you break the habit (physical and routine), you’re not having to actively resist and say no as much. It’s not so exhausting and confrontational.

When I was pregnant, I didn’t crave alcohol physically, or the routine and ceremony that comes with drinking. I didn’t feel like I was depriving myself of an experience when I sat on the sofa with popcorn instead of wine. It wasn’t in my frame of reference, therefore I didn’t miss it, therefore I didn’t feel like I was resisting or avoiding anything. That’s what I hope and imagine will happen if I give myself time to get over the initial hurdles of breaking down my routines and habits around casual drinking.

Case in point. I watch Succession (great show). For two seasons I was so used to the time reaching 7.30 on a Monday night and then PING - kiss kids goodnight, bedroom door shut, back to the lounge, TV on, press pause, get two glasses, open wine, aaaand play.

We’re now two episodes into the third season and for both episodes we decided not to open wine or beer. And by the second episode (after only one time of breaking the routine of boozy Succession viewing), it felt fine. And I could follow the whole (increasingly complicated) plot without having to keep pausing and saying, ‘Why did he say that?’. Could it really be as easy as that to change my routine of wine in the evening?

During Dry January this year my neighbour recommended Holly Whitaker’s Quit Like A Woman. This was the first time I’d really taken a critical look at the message that society feeds us about drinking culture. Through Holly’s book and Clare’s and Catherine’s I felt inspired into stopping drinking, rather than shamed (hat tip to Clare Pooley’s TED Talk for that brilliant line).

Doing something so bloody detrimental for my health, on automatic mode, just because it’s in my routine seems pretty unenlightened. I like to think I’m better than that, and that’s why I want to stop. I want to prove to myself that I am capable of making good decisions for myself and that I am present enough to choose my actions and redirect bad habits. Clare Pooley (do you realise yet how much of a fangirl I am?) said something that’s stuck with me. She looked at a childhood photo of herself and thought, would I want this for her? Would I be happy knowing she was going to clutch a glass of wine or beer at every social event? Or is that girl happy enough without the drinking prop?

Breaking a habit is difficult but it’s not impossible. Changing the routines that I have that lead to automatically pouring a glass of wine can only improve my health and life. And that’s why I want to kickstart that change with a period of sobriety. If I like what I find on that path, then I’ll see no reason to turn back (here’s hoping).

Day 2: Beers in the park - a test

As expected, up half the night tossing and turning. I swear it’s almost like a placebo effect - I know that drinking (or not) can affect sleep patterns, therefore my sleep patterns are affected. I lay awake half the early hours of this morning, and decided, as worry and fretting prevented my mind from relaxing, that a blog is the way to go. 

Felt pretty good today as I put this blog together. Think I need to keep myself reading as much literature as possible and immerse myself in the experience to keep me on track. I’ve joined Club Soda Together on facebook, a group for abstainers and moderators and that’s already felt pretty good. 

I’ve subscribed to lovely Belle’s daily emails from Tired of Thinking About Drinking and watched Clare Pooley’s TED Talk at Newnham. I think I'm in the frame of mind that this isn’t about giving something up, it’s not negative; it’s about doing something truly positive and life-affirming for myself.

I had my first test (yep, on Day 2, on a Tuesday, at 4pm - that is how pervasive alcohol is in our lives). My close friend texted me to say she was with her dogs at the park at the end of my street and did I want to come meet her for a walk.

Yes, course.

And did I want to have some 711 beers?

....

I'm not ready for this conversation with the people around me (apart from hubby). So I said yes, I'd pick up drinks on the way. I bought two Sapporos (for her) and two Heineken 0.0s (for me).

When I got to the park I unpacked the cans and said / babbled as casually as I could, 'Here we go, I'm on the zeros at the mo, feel like a bit of a detox.' No questions asked and we both sat for an hour on the grass while the dogs played.

I don't think it would have been a better hour if I'd had two Sapporos instead of the 0.0s. I definitely know it would've been a worse evening when I got home, feeling slightly groggy, tired as I made dinner and played board games with the kids, rather than Just Fine, which is how I felt.

So, I feel pretty good. That’s the second time I’ve said that. Does that make it more or less true? I can’t decide if I feel different this time to any other time I take a break from wine (and beer, and the occasional gin and tonic). That’s partly why I’ve started this blog. So I can focus on the outcome I’m looking for, and not brush this quietly under the carpet again.

“What’s in a name?"

"What's in a name? That which we call a drunk by any other name would slur just as much.”

I’m not sure how much I agree with that. Finding a name for myself as I navigate these booze-free waters seems important.

Let’s look at what we have:

Alcoholic, dependent drinker, lush, drunk, boozehound, boozer, addict, binge drinker, pisshead, wino, alkie. 

All of these sound a bit (a lot) slurry. The kind of words often said disparagingly, judgmentally, in hushed tones, or spat out as an insult.

But what are the options?

Clare Pooley suggests a rebrand of how we speak about Those Who Do Not Drink (like my Harry Potter reference?).

The legend that is Catherine Gray owned her label, recovering alcoholic, but then later chose to let it go (explained brilliantly in her book Sunshine Warm Sober. She also (maybe slightly tongue-in-cheek) coined the idea of Sober Smurf - the recovery approach where you paint yourself blue and walk around town declaring yourself the Sober Smurf. I do quite like that.

Holly Whitaker goes with teetotaller (and has an awesome periodic symbol style tattoo ‘Tt’  to match the title).

For me, I don’t feel like I’m peppy enough to go with Sober Warrior (though absolutely love the idea of being able to say I'm part of the Sober Revolution).

I don't have enough gall to say I’m a non-drinker (“Ahem… you mean apart from all those years that you were very much a ‘oui-drinker’”).

I don’t like abstainer because it sounds like I’m having to resist something, rather than simply not invite or welcome a negative substance into my life and body. I like AF (alcohol free), more than clean-drinker, which to me just sounds like I’m rich enough to afford the good spirits. But even alcohol free implies that alcohol-full is the norm (which it is, unfortunately, but that doesn’t mean my sober title needs to reflect that).

I personally think ‘I don’t drink’ is a suitable enough ‘name’, until I get something better. Though being British and well, me, it’ll probably take a long time to evolve from the more indirect, non-committal ‘I’m not drinking.’ (the presumed subtext being ‘...right now’).

What names work for you?

#soberlife #sober #recovery #soberAF #soberliving #soberoctober

Sober Day 1

So I did Day 1 and 2 on Thursday and Friday. Then on Saturday my husband asked if I wanted a balcony beer.

(How many other people do that? Give a cute nickname to provide a reason for this particular drink: 

a toast, a cheeky beer, swift pint at the pub, nightcap, mimosa or bucks fizz (yay morning drinking),  aperitif, roadie - endearing Australian slang for travelling beer)

Anyway, so I said no. Cue, shocked silence, then the inevitable ‘Why?’.

‘Because I’m trying not to drink.’

Another silence.

‘I’m thinking that too. From Monday.’

Wine Witch rubs her hands together and then,

‘Ok cool, I’ll start from Monday too.’

So, back to Day 1 today, Monday, after a final bottle of red wine last night. Thing is, my husband always wants to and is successful at cutting back or doing long dry spells. He has the same impulsiveness I have and is probably as likely as me to say, ‘One more?’, but he’s better at knowing when to take a break. Maybe it comes with age.

So right now this should be easy because he’s doing it too. We spoke about it (balcony beers in hand) on Saturday night, with me saying I thought maybe I should give up for good, and he thinking that he’ll probably save it for special occasions.

I quoted what I’ve read extensively in all the quit-lit: the first 30 days and up to 100 days are meant to be the hardest. If I keep doing 30 days here (Dry January this year) and 30 days there (Sober October last year), no wonder it’s hard and doesn’t really change anything overall. I’m repeating the same difficult steps again and again.

I’ve been gearing up for this all year, since January, ten months ago, when I read a plethora of books to get me through the month. Last week I reread Clare Pooley's The Sober Diaries and I’ve been dipping back into Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober all weekend. It’s time.

Now it’s the end of the day and we’ve watched Succession and I’ve made us both a hot chocolate and it’s 10pm and time for bed.