Day 3: A bit of doubt

So, Day 3. Feeling good today when I work up. And grateful to wake up without a hangover. I was still tired when I woke up, but no where near as much as normal. I had a surprise work call (always fun) just after 7am, and felt endless gratitude for feeling alert and ready to deal with it, rather than totally knackered.

I had problems sleeping again last night. Yesterday I made a kanban board (fancy organisation tool) for work, so that work related stuff didn't fill my head while I tried to sleep. That seemed to work and my mind was less cluttered. But I still was restless. I'm hopeful that'll go in the next week.

I went shopping to the fancy deli near our house to get some nice snacks for the house to keep me busy in the evenings if I need it. I got some good cheeses and then some Bitter Lemon, Ginger beer and San Pellegrino for AF bubbles.

Last night my husband said 'Aren't you going to make a hot chocolate?' because that is supposed to be my wine replacement 'thing'. But I don't want to go too far down that path. I've managed to avoid having a particularly sweet tooth for most of my adult life, and I'd like to try keep it that way. I think fizzy water or hot water and lemon will give my taste buds enough of a 'hmmm' to keep me satisfied.

When I was at the deli I stood in the (enormous) wines and spirits section, looking for AF wine. I had it in my head that I was going to trial-make mulled wine, my favourite drink in the world. Long and short of it is that I couldn't see any, and it dawned on me after five minutes or so, that staring at row upon row of red wine bottles was probably not the best way to while away the afternoon on Day 3.

Now the evening is rolling in, I'm starting to feel a little down. I don't know if I'm just being stupid and dramatic, saying I'm going to stop forever. Why not just do another sober month, to prove I can and then moderate? I guess the simple answer to that is that I never do. It always gradually slides into drinking too much again, and then I have to cut it out or keep fighting with myself to say no to another drink or another quick pint at the bar, when I really want to say yes.

Is this doubt the dreaded Wine Witch? I hope so. I find it comforting to think that this is not my voice trying to rationalise why drinking is such a great idea. I think that's why I have to treat this as a big deal rather than another dry month, because I need things to shift in my mind so I'm not idolising drinking times.

But then am I just going to be this dull person who can't have a great bottle of wine with her husband? Or can't try a new cocktail? Or can't have a giggly, silly night with her friends? (Is this Wine Witch speaking or me?)

Thing is... 

When do we ever have a great bottle of wine? (We usually have two average bottles of wine instead)

When do I ever try a new cocktail? (I tried a White Lady two years ago... I'm hardly a cocktail connoisseur)

Why can't I have a giggly, silly night with my friends without drinking? Isn't this the whole point: Everything hinges on alcohol. It's not there as an add-on, a side-dish, a bonus... It's the whole bloody meal.