Day 4: Sober talk

I had a noticeably better sleep last night than previous few nights, so that's a huge win. I also feel hopeful today - not as down as I did yesterday evening. 

I had a conversation with the hubby in the kitchen as we were prepping lunch. He's also on the sober train at the moment, but he says he doesn't feel as final about it as me and doesn't see the harm in having a couple of beers here and there. I totally agree - for him, but said that for me, I need to push for something a bit more finite otherwise my mindset around drinking will never change.

I feel like I could easily (relatively!) say 'I won't drink til the end of November' or 'I'll drink again at Christmas', but the risk is that I'd elevate drinking even more as a grand prize to win after all this endurance. 

I don't want to stick my head down and push on with gritted teeth through this journey, I want to completely shift my mindset and how I view alcohol. I read a fantastic quote on reddit yesterday, not sure of original source but can trace it to Justine Whitchurch's book:

Sobriety delivers what alcohol promised

After my husband and I spoke and went back to our respective offices, I sent him that quote over messenger. I said to him: There was a time in our lives when we didn't need alcohol to have a good time, or to be ourselves. I'd rather search for that place again than keep going through one month or one week or two day 'cleansers' to convince myself I'm not seriously damaging my health every time I drink.

I think my husband honestly can moderate if he wants to. He's perhaps wired a little differently to me. I don't expect him to jump on board with my plan - particularly when I don't even know where I'm going or if this is it for me long term.

I just don't think drinking in moderation suits my personality - certainly not right now. I don't want to have one glass of wine and call it a night. If I did, then I wouldn't be writing a blog about trying to quit. I don't see the point in just having one glass. As soon as I have that first glass I either drink three more (or more), or have to start resisting and suppressing the urge for another. I want to get to a place where I don't need to feel that resistance anymore. Everything I've read says that by taking the decision of 'should I drink tonight?' out of the equation, everything becomes a lot simpler.