Another year, another post.
Day 9
Not too bad. Am still feeling tired in the mornings, and headachy, but giddy with joy, that it's not self-inflicted. After a summer of waaaaaay too much wine, with our friends staying with us, we decided to hit the wagon again. It's been successful. Let's see what we make of it.
Ah, but first, before I get back into my sober blogging, an interlude.
We rediscovered Guinness when we came back.
Delicious, smooth, often terribly poured, takes ages to arrive, strikes fear in the heart of every young bartender, Guinness.
When we first came back here, it was the end of winter, and the coldest I'd been in about a decade. As Spring came, we spent afternoons walking down to the local loch, sitting outside the pub, Guinness in gloved hand, while the kids ran around enjoying the nature and fresh air that we gave up everything to come back to.
We hauled our garden chairs to the southernmost tip of the backyard to soak up every last ray of sunshine as the long days began.
We bought a firepit and found Guinness cans by the carton to accompany us as we sat wrapped in blankets into the late evenings.
Ahh Guinness.
But... actually... Ahh life.
Ahh having a local loch and a place for the children to run around.
Ahh the back garden and the long light nights of the north.
Ahhh fire! Sitting around fire in the dark with something (warm) to drink.
Ahh life.
Greetings from the other side of the world. We relocated at the beginning of the year, and here we are, in October again, 4 days into a Sober October type thing (except we had drinks on the 1st and the 2nd).
But, no matter, it's now Day 4 and I'm feeling good for it.
Now we're back in clutches of our homeland, MONEY is a big incentive for cutting wine out of our lives. It's so expensive - a round of drinks for two is eye-wateringly expensive, and even the cheap supermarket wine isn't so cheap (especially not when you buy it by the caseload). We're looking to buy a house, so suddenly the wastefulness of wine money has been brought to the foreground. We could pay our bills with that money. We could get double glazing. We could buy a coffee table.
The hot chocolate is back in force, as are the impromptu cheese board nights. That and Stranger Things, which I can actually follow now that I'm not half-cut.
Onwards!
In Russell Brand's book Freedom from our addictions he asks readers to look at the 12 steps and note down their own feelings toward them.
I really felt drawn to this inclusion because it acknowledges the uncertainty I feel towards 12 step programs, particularly AA, and particularly after reading more about the patriarchal history of these programs in books such as Holly Whitaker's Quit Like a Woman.
I really like Russell Brand, and have read great think pieces about his own sobriety in news articles over the years. It's also quite inspiring to think of someone as wild and playful and - let's face it, cool, being completely sober. It makes the whole thing seem pretty fun and enlightening.
So when I saw his book was on the Kindle Store for 99p, it seemed like time to dip in. I knew the book followed his interpretation of the steps, which I'm not too keen on delving into for various reasons, but I was curious to see whether he could present it in a way that I could identify with.
The first thing that sticks out is exactly what Holly speaks about in QLAW. I texted my friend: This is the first book [on sobriety] I've read by a man instead of a woman and the difference is staggering. "Self-centred egotistical thinking is the defining attribute of the addictive condition"
Holly's book discusses how male-centred recovery programs talk about breaking the ego down, whereas as a woman, we (mostly) have addictions because we're already broken down. Recovery for me is about building myself back up.
Anyway, so seeing that familiar trope of ego being the reason for addiction really touched a nerve.
But then, a couple of pages over, Russell invites the readers to respond to the steps. And that for me is a defining moment. I haven't read the rest of his book, I don't know if it'll resonate more or less than the others I've read. But I respect the decision to allow the journey to be the readers by inviting their own feelings into what seems to otherwise be a pretty rigid system.
So, here are the steps and my initial thoughts: I fully expect to come back to these points after I finish the book.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Bless me bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been a month since my last confession.
I broke my streak and then immediately nestled myself into nice, regular holiday drinking. Lovely beers, not so much wine this time (until the week before Christmas when hubby and I settled into our nightly two bottle routine over endless Christmas movies).
The things that kept me on my pathway before - the books, the blogging/journalling, the running, all fell by the wayside, making it easier to 'enjoy' the holidays (and boozy nights) without interruption. Which I have been doing. It hasn't been awful, or even slightly bad...
...But have I woken up a few times thinking Oh Christ - why was I talking about that last night? Or Did I....sing???? Why yes, yes I have.
There was one night on holiday where I startled myself awake at about 3am. I was thirsty so drank some water and checked out my phone while I was there. There was a video of my roommates all jumping into the villa pool at about midnight. I had absolutely no recollection of us doing it and immediately felt that familiar wave of dread rush over me. Was I so drunk that I blacked out an entire pool event? What else had I done?
In the morning I did the classic sidling up to people and oh so casually mentioning the fun-ness of the night before, digging for facts. I was promptly reminded that I'd left the restaurant early and gone to bed at 9, had had nothing to do with the pool shenanigans and my non-existent memory was actually due to me falling asleep in front of the Grinch in my room with the children. The relief that I hadn't 'forgotten' what happened, because I hadn't even been there, was incredible.
I could have that feeling alllll the time! The nice cosy feeling of ahhhhh... I was home and dry in ma bed.
I've dug Holly's book out of the old Kindle dust pile again, and am starting my rereads. I'm not at Day 1 yet (though actually just realised I'm finished Day 2), but hey...every bit of practice at living a freer life is good.
Feeling like I'm wavering quite a lot today. Would really like to try moderating. I came this close to messaging my husband and asking if he felt like going down to the waterfront and having a glass of wine after work.
Though I say glass, but mean bottle.
And let's face it, probably mean two...
Then I heard my kids playing outside the office and thought maybe let's leave it a few more days. Reassess at the weekend. I'm not liking myself at the moment because I'm turning this into a big deal where I'm feeling guilty before I even have a drink.
What am I trying to prove? What am I trying to do?
